You just experience the hardest day of your life.
So many words could be used to describe it. Traumatizing, spirit-crushing, hopeless, world-shattering.
I’m convinced our brain couldn’t handle the constant weight of all of it, so it just hit us in waves, one right after another. Nothing is more daunting and bleak than looking into the foreseeable future and wondering if this is it; If every day is simply filled with waves of grief and longing and missing memories and broken dreams with the occasional stillness of mental and emotional exhaustion.
There aren’t really any words to describe the day Blakely left this Earth or the days following. Those minutes, hours, and days simultaneously feel like a blur and incredibly vivid. Time passes but the memories and emotions seem to be etched deeply in our soul, and I want to speak reassurance over your heart.
I want you to know that you need not fear that you’ll ever forget.
730 days later I can still feel her head in my hand, how soft her hair was, the face she made every time she thought she was starving. I know the pain of remembering is a lot to bear and it’s going to be that way for a while. The pain is worth walking through for the sake of those precious memories. Rest assured as you begin to process and seek wisdom in your grief, the endurance that is built makes each and every day and step forward easier.
Joy will come.
In these moments, it’s hard to ever imagine smiling, laughing, or experiencing joy again. How does a grieving mother’s heart ever heal enough to allow joy in again? How can there be joy in a world void of a most precious life? I can’t say that it will be easy to see or accept into your life again. There will be times when you’ll ask yourself if choosing joy is even an option or if your joy faded into darkness when Blakely died. Please know, joy will make itself available to you again; you simply have to give yourself permission to choose it when those moments come, no matter how seldom or fleeting they may be in the coming days. Joy is coming.
Have grace for yourself. While you can replay this day in your mind a million times and think of everything you could have done differently and all the signs you missed that you weren’t looking for, placing blame on yourself or anyone else won’t ease the pain. Give yourself grace. I will tell you this will be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, hurdle for you as you process your grief. Stop replaying and analyzing hours, minutes, and seconds. Stop trying to put yourself on the hook for something you weren’t equipped to handle. As a parent, you never should have had to go through this or try to make the decisions your had to make. Repeat that to yourself and let it truly sink in. You never should have had to go through this or try to make the decisions your had to make. Once you take this to heart, you actually let yourself begin to heal.
I know the world seems dark right now and it very much is…but you’re gonna make it. Life becomes livable, not void of grief or sadness, but richer for having walked through this valley. Hopeful because of the reassurance that you’ll see her again. Meaningful for the hope you eventually gain to share with others.
Believe me when I say you’re gonna make it.