As Morgan and I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook, we learned many bad ways we as people deal with grief. Misconceptions that have carried on for decades of what to do or not do, what to say or not say. Some are obvious - don’t throw yourself into your job just to distract you from your grief (it doesn’t make anything better). Here’s another one we’ve all done for someone grieving - you have to be strong for them.
…What does that even mean?
One less obvious misconception of handling grief either as the griever or, more often than not, someone trying to help, are statements that are intellectually factual but emotionally hurtful.
Things like -
“You can always have another baby.”
“You could adopt!”
“It’s ok, she’s in Heaven.”
Even now as I read these statements, I feel my throat closing as emotions rise to the service. We are so glad no one said those first two to our faces. The reason is because those statements, while they may be true, bring with them devastation and a sort of teasing that seems cruel, even if the person delivering them has the best intentions at heart.
The last one now is the most comforting thing I could ever hear. However, in the interest of complete transparency, I wasn’t always comforted by that.
I’d like to look at grief from two different (but quick) perspectives in this post - the caring friend/family member and the griever.
To the Caring Friend/Family
Even if you aren’t the one grieving, I strongly recommend reading through The Grief Recover Handbook. This will allow you to be able to accurately reflect on how you may be handling grief in an unhealthy way, as well as reflect on unhealthy ways you may be trying to help others through their grief.
I want to open up about what your friend or family member is thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
First of all, they are glad you are there. You are being a great friend just by being there with them.
Secondly, and here’s where it just becomes real…they know. Your friend knows they could have another baby. They know they could adopt. They know they’re grandfather is “in a better place.” They know they could find another wife or husband after theirs cheated on them.
The truth is they don’t want another baby, they want her. They don’t want to adopt, they want theirs to still be in their arms. They know where they’re grandfather is, but they want him there with them telling them stories again. They know they could find love again, but this love was right here.
These may seem like extreme examples and you may be thinking, “I would never say something like that!” Maybe you wouldn’t say those, but maybe you’ve said something like them. As true as some things may be, the hurting person isn’t there yet.
Most of the time, the best thing to say is nothing. Just being there with your friend as they hurt is usually comfort enough. They love that you’re there.
2. To the Griever
I also strongly recommend reading through The Grief Recovery Handbook. Not only will it help you to see the misconceptions of dealing with grief that you may hold, it also will give you steps to work through and process your grief in a healthy way.
Here’s what I’ll say to you as you grieve…as hard as it is in this moment, have grace for the people around you. I resonate with you most of all in this season that you’re in. As little as Morgan and I knew what to do after Blakely died, others around us knew just as little. Not everything everyone did was comforting. Sometimes what people said or did (or didn’t do), made us angry. But there is always grace and we knew people were coming from the right heart.
I will also say this - don’t be afraid to say something if what someone has said really was the opposite of comforting. I remember being on the phone with my best friend a lot after Blakely had died and he kept saying things that were intellectually factual but emotionally hurtful and I just had to stop him calmly and say, “Hey bro…hearing you say that right now is actually more hurtful than it is helpful.” He understood, and we kept talking about other things.
Have grace, speak up when necessary, but know that they are there to love you and help you.
The last one I want to deal with is this:
“It’s ok, she’s in Heaven.”
That deserves a post of it’s own, so I think I’ll save that one for later. For now what I’ll say once again is that is now the most comforting thing I know. Thank you, Jesus, for your Cross and for holding Blakely until we’re there.
